Seeing Through The System

One of the things that Stoicism allows is a little objectivity. When we examine our own motivations and insecurities we begin to see them in other people. They don't necessarily see these things in themselves, though, and anyway we might be wrong. Perception is always suspect. With that caveat in mind, I offer the following:

I know a few people, high achievers, who are often worried about not measuring up. Maybe that insecurity is necessary to high achievement, or maybe it is necessary to some people in the sense that otherwise those particular people wouldn't have achieved.

For example, suppose there exist two equally successful athletes. One may have achieved "x" level of success through natural ability and moderate effort. The other, born with less potential, achieved "x" through single minded determination. He scorched the earth. He psyched himself up. He neglected relationships and personal development. He trained constantly. He sacrificed more.

I know some people in the latter category. This would often cause conflict, because when I achieved they would pick out flaws or cut me down in some way. I would respond defensively. We would then enter into conflict.

What ended the cycle is my realizing their need for validation. I began to compliment them on their achievements. At first nothing changed on their end, but instead of reacting defensively I'd shrug it off and move on. I repeated and repeated.

After about a year they began to compliment me back. Now we like each other. Actually they are pretty close friends. I like them. I can rely on them. They have my back. They're different people.

A key insight was my realization that what these people had in common was a rough childhood. They were picked on by their peers. The way they dealt with the harassment was to adopt an "I'll show them!" mentality. They applied themselves to their professions with a singleminded zeal. In addition to this it was their habit to stake out some mental safe space in their heads, which they defended with everything they had. The best defense is a good offense, in other words.

I made myself safe to them. They let me past the perimeter because I stopped attacking and started aiding in their own defense. I became a trusted ally.

I had seen through the system. I had found their motivation and manipulated it for our mutual benefit. I was the puppet master.

And do you know what I noticed, after I got a little distance from the whole thing? I was just like them. I cut down people who performed better than I did. I carved out a safe space and defended it like a zealot. And I did it for the same reasons that they did. Here I was judging their flaws and figuring out how to deal with them, and then congratulating myself for successfully doing it, when all the while I was just like them.

When things between us changed I'm not even sure that I prompted it. Maybe we all got sick of our old habits at the same time.

The system I had seen through was one of my own making.  

It was like waking up to the world: I was never secretly superior. I was never the bigger man.

My old self would have considered this to be a disastrous revelation. My new self is very pleased by it. Why?

I'm not alone, and people can improve. That's a very good thing for the world.

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