Depressed and Dateless

I saw this post on Reddit and felt compelled to reply:

"I'm 20, and i'm just not good looking. So I haven't had an intimate or sexual experience with women yet. This feels awfully distressing since the vast majority of the people my age have had these experiences, from a kiss, to a date, to sex; and therefore seems like most guys my age are 'preferred' and are hence of greater value than myself. I have trouble accepting this, but I know i'll have much more peace of mind once I do and just forget about women. Which is why i'm here. I want to be a student of Stoicism so I don't have to put up with such emotions causing me distress. I hope someone can help."

Here is my advice:

"Problem: you want a date. You don't think a date wants you because you are ugly.

"Solution 1: Accept that you are undatable. There are 3.5 billion women on planet Earth and not one wants to date you. You can't control this, so you must accept it. Now I happen to know that the likelihood that this is true is absolutely zero, but you don't, so this seems to be the way you're headed. Don't do it.

"Solution 2: Sort yourself out. It's not terribly complicated.

"You need to be clean. Shower, haircut, brush the teeth, use deodorant, clip your nails. Do this every day. There's dignity in it.

"You need to work out. If it doesn't improve your physique it will at least improve your mood. Walk two miles and listen to pod casts. Next day do Mark Sisson's basic primal workout. Rinse and repeat.

"Read nonfiction. Just trust me.

"Eat more fruits and veg. Avoid sugar and processed food.

"Wear clean clothes. I like a black button up shirt, jeans, and black shoes with socks that aren't white. Iron your jeans flat but don't crease them. Iron your shirt.

"Work. Work hard.

"Go where women are. Act calm and confident. Say hi, with no expectation that they will say hi back. Do this 100 times.

"Put a dating profile online. Expect rejection. Expect Battle of Britain levels of getting shot down. All part of the game. You are a beginner. There are hard knocks to be taken. Part of Stoic practice is to put yourself into difficult positions. This is not a retreat from the world. This is the conquest of your own fears.

"Google ALL of this to learn how to do it better. We're baby stepping here.

"Do this and it will happen. But what if it doesn't? Then it doesn't. Go down swinging. But you've already tried! No you haven't, not like this you haven't.

"Good luck, brother Stoic. We're on your side here. Check back in with us."

I followed on with this:

And by the way, lest I swerve into holier-than-thou insincerity, here's how I stack up:

Hygiene: On point! I'm clean.

Work Out: It's finally a habit... I do exactly what I've written and it takes me 3 hours per week.

Nonfiction: This has been my habit for awhile.

Fruits and Veg: This is what I'm working on now... hence the green smoothie post.

Wear Clean Clothes: On point!

Work Hard: Roger that!

Go where women are: I live with one, whom I am married to, so check!

Dating Profile: I'm insulted!

Google all of this and learn more: That's what led me here!

Under my current understanding of Stoicism it isn't meant to separate us from the world. It's meant to make us more virtuous while living our everyday lives. It should allow us to function better in the world. It is natural to seek out a mate, whatever that may mean to you, and fear shouldn't prevent you from doing it.

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Public domain image courtesy of Public Domain Archive, a great place to find public domain images