Am I A Modern Man? A Stoic Takes A Quiz

The New York Times recently ran a list of qualifications for the would-be "modern man." The internet has collectively (and gleefully) heaved it into the dustbin of op ed history, but I think it would be fun to attempt a dispassionate self-test... It seems standard to reprint the list and then eviscerate the author point by point, so I'll follow suit without the snark [Edit: there's still snark]. Off we go:

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

I cannot imagine wasting my time doing this, and neither can she. She's a grown-up; she can buy her own shoes. I'll buy flowers and jewelry instead.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

Actually I can get behind this. In essence "the modern man" isn't a whiner. I find that if I refuse to wallow in self-pity my life seems to go better. This thought is within spitting distance of Stoicism.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

I've done this, except I've done it with nachos.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

I won't leave meat on the table, but I prefer not to eat the fat. That said, perhaps eating the fat is more respectful to the animal that died to nourish me. Doing something unpleasant out of a sense of gratitude could be Stoic. I'll think about this one.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Agreed! Besides, I could use the exercise. Well said!

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

If they had to go a day without electronics it wouldn't be the worst thing that ever happened to them. Besides, that's their job. Natural consequences, Lombardi...

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Soda is poison. I think the modern man is better off drinking iced tea or water.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

I like proper language, but I also like to say "fridge" instead of "refrigerator." Looks like I'm not modern.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

Alas, having only sons, I must remain incomplete.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

Or he could use a dish towel... I think it probably takes more discipline to use a dish towel.

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I don't know what that means. The modern man has never stabbed a bird? Then I qualify!

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

Personally I mash all the soap shreds into a little ball and carry on until it dissolves to nothing. Then I use shampoo instead. Once every three months I'll remember to throw a new bar in. I think I fail on this one.

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

I was prepared to scoff, but this ain't half bad. It's jazzy. I'm not going to schedule Wu Tang time, but I like it. Half credit for me!

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

The market is the perfect place to bury one's head in a phone. I like to listen to podcasts while I shop. It's a mindless task and everybody in the store wants to get done as quickly as possible. Nobody wants to be there, Lombardi. Well, maybe they do at Whole Foods, but I shop at Winco.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

I have neither hardwood flooring or Kenneth Cole Oxfords. If I did I would not be inclined to develop some sort of stamping code to convey my mood. That seems overly complicated. I prefer to say "Daddy's irritated, so forgive him if he snaps."

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

She's closer to the door. If an intruder gets in she'll provide token resistance while I find the pepper spray. Every war has its casualties, Lombardi.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

What is a melon baller? I chop it with a knife... it's never uniformly shaped.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Picture him bent over his Kenneth Cole oxfords, lost in thought. "Nah," he finally murmurs. "Not today." I'll pass, Lombardi. I'll pass.

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

Absolutely! And make sure her coworkers see them. That's the point of flowers.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

Death first! That's a bridge too far, Lombardi! I'll curl into the fetal position and hide in the woods like a wounded deer, but I won't be the little spoon. Clearly I'm not as Stoic as I thought I was...

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

This one is like the shoehorn. There he is, at the breakfast table, covered in snot and apple donut. "Nah," he murmers to himself. "I'm gonna let this one slide." It's not like she could help it, Lombardi. Is the modern man a sociopath?

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

That's just lazy. You're just rationalizing sloth. I've done it, but I'm not proud of it. Still, full credit!

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

I don't know who that is and I don't own any Blu-rays.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

The essence of Stoicism distilled to a single sentence.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

I own several and I don't even shoot. They reproduce in the garage. Last year two of my shotguns had a bouncy baby pistol. I have no use for them, though, so I'll give myself half credit.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I have not cried since I saw Last of the Mohicans in 1992. I hope that wasn't a Michael Mann film. I'm gonna feel pretty stupid if it was.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

People are certain that I'm not a good dancer.

So I score 7.5 out of 27. I'm not an Australopithecus, but I'm certainly not modern.