Joe Rogan on Gossip

"Some people, they trip themselves... Think about yourself... don't get distracted.... and I think that a lot of that is a distraction, this fixating on other people... There are a lot of people out there who spend a tremendous amount of time hating on other people and very little time working on themselves... There's no commitment to hating on someone. There's no consequences if it doesn't go well, so you put your energy into that."

-Joe Rogan*

This isn't an absolutely direct quote. I took it off a podcast and my rewind function isn't precise. Also he's not expecting to be quoted, he's just working out the idea as he says it. Still, there is a lot of wisdom in this. I'll try my hand at turning it into a maxim:

"Gossip is an easy distraction. Improving yourself is difficult. Weak people will choose to waste their time with gossip."

* * *

*Although I don't subscribe to his every utterance (and I doubt that he would want me to) I think that Mr. Rogan is a modern philosopher. He is a generalist who wants to teach people how to live better lives. I think that Socrates would find a discussion with Mr. Rogan to be much more enjoyable than a discussion with the head of your average university philosophy department.

Physical Aggression

I've had to deal with physical aggression twice recently. I took both incidents as opportunities to put my Stoic skills to use. I'll discuss one of the incidents here in case it's useful to you.

A close associate was overly familiar with me physically. I explained that I didn't like it, and that for our friendship to work he would have to stop. The person protested. I said something like "Look, I really like you and I know you don't mean anything by it. I'm just not that way."

There were others there who backed me up and said they didn't like it either. He does the same thing to them, apparently.

I may as well say it: many young men (one generation younger than my own) seem to bond with each other by pretending to be homosexual. "Pretending" is used pretty loosely here. I know actual homosexuals and none has ever groped me. They've been very respectful. Anyway, it's like that. I'm not into it. I don't find it funny.

"If it was me I would have taken that guy down."

I couldn't. It would have been no contest. I'll fight if it crosses the line but it would be more of a "go down swinging" kind of thing. Also I like the guy and I don't think he means any harm. And suppose I could easily take him down? I would hope that I would try this strategy first in either case. It's more rationale.

I did tell him that if he is gay and not out we could talk about it. This distressed him. He said "if I was gay I could do so much better than you." I laughed at that. I enjoyed his distress, but I meant what I said. Maybe the guy is gay and just can't handle it. We shall see.

"...what you think, you become."

"The mind is everything. What you think, you become."

This quote seems to share a kinship with Stoicism. It is often attributed to the Buddha, but it seems that the Buddha never said this.

Ralph Waldo Trine, a philosopher whose long life straddled the middle of the 19th and 20th centuries, used it in many of his books.

Worth a look (check out the bottom of this page).

Why Blocking Trump Rallies Backfires

Let's leave Mr. Trump and Secretary Clinton's platforms aside for a moment.

What does it say when you block the road to a Trump rally?

I don't like Communism but it has NEVER OCCURRED to me to block an American Communist Party rally.

Why? Because they aren't relevant. I'm not worried about a Communist takeover. That and I'm a fan of free speech and assembly.

Anyway, by taking such strong action you admit that he's a threat. You announce to everybody in the country that this guy is gaining on you. Backfire.

First they ignore you, then they mock you, then they fight you, then you win. Ghandi said that.

I don't really look forward to a Trump presidency. My politics and his don't match well. But the idea that you would try to keep his supporters from assembling is wrong and should be resisted.

Edit: I thought about this. Mr. Trump may be a lot more moderate than he lets on. This occurred to me because I view his handling of the recent Ted Cruz scandal as the work of a master, whatever I may think of the morality of it. I think he's been setting up this Cruz hit for a long time. I say "I" but I didn't really formulate this idea at all. Mike Cernovich did.

Mike Cernovich's twitter feed led me to this article. Trump releases an unflattering picture of Cruz's wife, Cruz fires back and takes the moral high ground... the DAY BEFORE THE SCANDAL BREAKS. Also Mr. Cernovich tells us that Trump had planned a 10 day break from the campaign THE DAY AFTER THE SCANDAL BREAKS.

Maybe Mr. Trump doesn't mean everything he says (as palms slap foreheads across the country... I know, I know). Maybe he uses media better than any candidate ever has. Who knows what a Trump presidency will look like? There's no way of knowing what the man actually plans to do because for him the world is a chessboard. Every statement is calculated for its effect. We're about to make a wild card president.

Cernovich implies that similar bombshells await Secretary Clinton. We'll see.

Fire Your Friends

This article from Motivated Mastery is a quick treatment of the thought of Seneca. One thing that jumped out at me was this:

Those people who, contrary to Theophrastus’ advice, judge a man after they have made him their friend instead of the other way around, certainly put the cart before the horse. Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself. 

Respect. You and your friend will, ideally, share mutual respect. You don't seek advantage from each other and you make each other better.

And if not? If you have admitted a person to your friendship hastily?

I think you fire them.

I've done this. It was messy. I was emotional. I'd be less emotional now, I think, but one thing that Stoicism has done for me is that I have become pickier with who I spend my time with in the first place, so the problem hasn't arisen.

Wealthsteading

John Pugliano runs a very interesting website geared toward getting people independently wealthy. His views on investment are deeply rooted in reason and, I suspect, philosophy. He seems to be a moderate libertarian.

"Overcome your natural tendency to fear new things."

"The entrenched powers will always lose. It happens every time."

"Embrace innovation."

He is a sort of optimistic fatalist. We embrace change or change stomps us. It's like the dog tied to the cart. Run along with it or let it drag you, but that's reality. And for all the destruction of capitalism we live in unprecedented luxury.

He views investment as "wealthsteading." He sees it as a way to carve out a self-sustaining plot of money (rather than land, like the original homesteaders) and thereby win freedom to choose one's way of life.

Worth a look.

The Stoic And Online Etiquette

I was on a certain website recently and decided to troll members of the opposition. I took their opinion and fed it back to them in its most extreme incarnation. I presented myself as a political commisar enforcing an absurdity. I was effective. I silenced people. I stayed up until 2 a.m.

That's a problem.

Tonight I was playing a simulation (it simulates something I do in real life). There was a competition involved. There are people competing in it who have been competing every night for ten years. They are very impressed with themselves and they insulted me. I responded in kind. Effectively. More effectively than them. Edit: No I didn't. I ignored them, got angry and tossed out an effective one-liner. They left me alone after that. It was ONE LINE. I'm aggrandizing myself here. It was satisfying.

Then it wasn't.

What kind of Stoic am I if I spend my time in the dirt with everybody else? Shouldn't I pull myself out of the dirt, and then turn around and help my brothers and sisters out of the dirt?

I need to work this out. Time for a new project.

Success implies comparing and I don’t compare my life to other people’s lives. They don’t concern me.

-From Sprezzaturian by way of Mike Cernovich at Danger and Play

If you look into either of the blogs I've linked to you will no doubt find fertile ground for disagreement. Still, as Seneca says, all good ideas are public property. I like this idea very much.

The First Step In Becoming A Philosopher

I have no idea if this is true, but it's the route I've decided to take. Epictetus tells us to start with God:

"The philosophers say that the first thing that needs to be learned is the following, that there is a God, and a God who exercises providential care for the universe, and that it is impossible to conceal from him not only our actions, but even our thoughts and intentions. The next thing to be considered is what the gods are like; for whatever they’re discovered to be, one who wishes to please and obey them must try to resemble them as far as possible." (Discourses 2.14.11)

Christopher Fisher uses this as evidence for Stoic theism in his "The Religious Nature of Stoicism."

I'm in, God.

Is This Strange Man On To Something? Your Lord And Savior

"God's love is... creative, it's not reductive. It brings things forth; it doesn't take them apart."

"Love God. I mean, you can't see God. You can't define God. It's not widely agreed on whether or not God even exists. And that's the thing. That's what makes it a good practice. Because that's like the love of God. God's got to love stuff entirely before it exists. You see? If you don't know that something exists you're practicing loving like God: creative love."

He describes himself from God's perspective as "that loony guy who plays me" on Youtube.

Hmm... well, if you ran into Crates of Thebes in downtown Anywhere, USA you might think he was odd too.

Interesting, anyway. I don't have the cognitive horsepower to keep up with him, but when I play things back and follow what he says... he might be brilliant. Here's a video (he uses profanity):

God's Love: FAQ

Marvel as he cuts and parries with a video by TJ from The Amazing Atheist, as God, while smoking a cigar and eating a bunch of broccoli with ranch. Again, he uses profanity. So does TJ. Especially TJ:

In the above video he says "Your friends and family are components of God. God is a synthesis of minds of creatures such as ourselves, not exactly like ourselves, so they're a part of God. So are you."

That's knocking on the door of Stoicism [Edit: I mean classical Stoicism here... they were theists]. In this next quote he knocks the door down:

"Right now you just have your perspective; your singular, limited perspective. And from that things are important to you. But when you become part of a much greater mind you have a much greater perspective, because the perspectives of all of the minds that constitute that greater mind, well, they add up. They broaden that perspective, by the very nature of the process. And so yeah, all the things that seem really important you realize... not really worth getting worked up over. Just another part of the beauty of the whole thing, really." 

I don't really know if he plays God, or if he thinks that he IS God, or if he thinks that he is God's mouthpiece, or maybe if he is a troll. I won't be selling my possessions and following him as a disciple, I know that... Peruse his videos and you'll question his sanity. Still, as Seneca says, all good ideas are public property.

Who Is The Establishment?

Who is the establishment? I grew up a Reagan Republican, but when I went to college I was indoctrinated with the 1960's era view that business fat cats were running things and that the Democrats were a sort of watchdog holding them in check, just barely.

Now I don't know. When the pendulum swings too far to the right you get authoritarianism, but then again if it swings too far to the left you get... authoritarianism.

There is that oft-used quote by Voltaire: "To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."

There's wisdom in that, but then again we live in an age where we have accepted that some people really are disadvantaged by circumstance, and it has become unfashionable to pile on. And it should be unfashionable.

But as I grow older I begin to see that anything can be taken too far.

In a perfect Stoic utopia, in Zeno's utopia, people would regulate themselves. If everyone truly pursued virtue then so much of what complicates modern life wouldn't find nourishment.

But that's not going to happen, not until the far future, maybe not ever. This is what we have.

With that in mind, all public policy should serve these ends: people should not be held back because of the circumstance of their birth, people should be allowed to make maximum use of their potential, and we should all have some concern for each other's well being. We need to abide by some common sense laws and we need a culture that teaches us to be decent to each other. Questions of sexuality, identity and religion are for the individual to work out. Do what you like, just don't do it to me.

And if I could snap my fingers and turn all of us blue I would.

A Musical Theory Lesson

I'm not even going to try to connect this to Stoicism. I just thought it was cool.

Mel Gibson: Not A Nazi

Allison Hope Weiner has penned a very brave essay about a man she "vilified" in the pages of The New York Times and Entertainment Weekly: Mel Gibson.

Weiner, an observant Jew, actually befriended Gibson. It's a real friendship. She met his family. He attended religious services with hers. They speak regularly. She likes him.

He doesn't publicly defend himself; he just explains. He doesn't think it would help. He just "shrugs his shoulders." Weiner wishes that he WOULD hit back. She says he's made himself into the perfect punching bag. Has he? I don't know, but he does sound as if he's become a bit of a Stoic.

After the incidents which led to his exile he vowed to meet with Jewish leaders and he did, but he refused to publicize the fact. He attempted to make a film about the Maccabee rebellion but the script wasn't good (which is a pity, because good LORD would that have been a good movie). He's shown every sign of penitence but he hasn't told anybody about it.

Weiner thinks he's suffered too much, that he's been treated unfairly and that he should get another shot.

Now, what astonishes me is that this piece was written at all. Who does this? Who bothers, in this day and age, to take a real look at the target of one's loathing and, having gained perspective, reconsider? Weiner shows real courage, and Gibson plays his end exactly as I hope I would given his circumstances.

Well done to both of them. This is virtue, friends.

In related news, watch Mr. Gibson's shrug in action here (profanity... NSFW):

I think that he acquited himself very well.

Disturbed and The River Styx

I keep thinking of this. It's sort of my memento mori. Is this the River Styx?

Judgement Time

Meditatio mortis:

Honor, Dignity and Victimhood

The Art Of Manliness recently published a podcast about our society's move to a victim culture. It's worth a look if you're interested in this sort of thing. 

In Episode 153 Brett talks to two sociologists about honor and dignity. Honor in this context means having a reputation for physical courage and a willingness to retaliate. Honor cultures tend to form where the rule of law is thin on the ground. The Southern United States, for example, has a higher per capita incidence of violence than the North and it also (I think) has fewer police officers per capita. As a consequence honor is more a cultural feature in the South than in the North.

One might also point out that honor is more a feature of life in the West. Aggrieved ranchers in rural Oregon, for example, might see percieved abuses of power by the federal government as a matter of honor and in response stage an armed revolution. Not much law enforcement activity out in the vast open spaces of the West... I don't know how true that is, but there does seem to me to be something to it.

A dignity culture can develop where there is strong state authority. In a dignity culture serious insults or abuses are referred to the state, and minor slights and insults are ignored. The difference is that in an honor culture ignoring insults signals weakness and brings more abuse, while in contrast in a dignity culture ignoring minor slights is a sign of self-control and maturity. Responding in kind is undignified; it means lowering oneself to "their" level.

Most of us would much rather live in a dignity culture. In an honor culture things can get out of hand quickly. If a member of one group insults the member of another there will be violence. Then there will be an endless chain of revenge killings. Feuding, in other words. This broadly describes the behavior of street gangs and genocidal tribal conflicts. That's no good.

Much better to live under the rule of law. Stoicism developed under the rule of law, yes? Is Stoicism the product of civilization? Can people living in an honor culture be Stoic?

I think so, but there may be consequences. On the other hand perhaps a Stoic would recognize the need to function in an honor culture for the good of the tribe or clan. Stoics did soldier for their country, after all. Marcus Aurelius slaughtered a generation of Germans for Rome.

Brett brings up an interesting point in view of this; nation states function in an honor culture, not a dignity culture, even though within the state the citizens are expected to maintain a dignity culture.

On to victim cultures... the idea here is that words actually damage people. It's as if we all have a mental health score and people can reduce that score with things like micro agressions.

Micro aggressions are hidden aggressions against minorities and people of color. They range from genuinely rude behavior (such as asking a Caucasian woman if her darker skinned child is "really hers") to using terms like "politically correct." Political correctness is no longer politically correct. Being male and taking up too much space on a bus is a micro aggression. Stating that one is for meritocracy is a micro aggression. Wearing a kimono is a micro aggression. 

A victim culture combines honor and dignity cultures. Minor slights are dealt with harshly and instantly, as in an honor culture, but the retaliatory violence is done by the state rather than by the individual, as in a dignity culture. 

Claiming victimhood in victim cultures, then, actually brings status and power. Claims of victimhood are incentivized. Victims have the power to do violence to people without having to display physical courage. Violence for free!

Lying is also incentivized in victim cultures. Micro aggressions are given serious consideration when there aren't macro agressions to fight, but macro aggressions are preferable. Sometimes people make up macro aggressions. People lie and claim victimhood even when they haven't been victimized. Even when these hoaxes are made public the response from the victim culture is "yes, it was a hoax, but it raises a serious point."  

Brett's sociologist guests seem to assert that we generally live in a dignity culture, but that college campuses are often full-blown victim subcultures. 

Worth a look.

On The Stoicism Of Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins does not dodge responsibility for his choices. When he says something he means it. He risks. I admire that.

Take for example his 2014 rant against suicide, in which he paints people who kill themselves as selfish. He took a lot of heat for that. He considered the criticism, agreed, and published a full apology. He writes: "To those I offended, I believe you and I apologize. If what I wrote causes you to toss me out of your boat, it is to my great regret, but I understand and thank you for your thoughts."

In the minds of people I don't want to be like this could be seen as weakness, but of course it's strength*. It's Stoic. 

I have always been very impressed with Henry Rollins. If you aren't familiar with his work he began his public life as the lead singer of a punk band called "Black Flag." He went on to form his own band and from there branched out into print, screen and stage. He's a sort of rennaisance man of the 21st century.

He is a charismatic figure to be sure; he has an intensity about him that you don't find very often. He's also eccentric for a man in his position. He lifts weights as a philosophical exercise (there's no hint of vanity about him) and he refuses to drink, smoke or take drugs. That must make him something of an oddball in the entertainment industry.

He spends his life traveling the world and bringing stories of other lands back to the West. He tells us these stories at "spoken word" shows. His performances have a lot in common with standup comedy but comedy is not the goal; comedy is the vehicle he uses to transmit his message.

And what is his message? He wants us to open our eyes to the rest of the world and love our fellow human beings.

If you take in enough of Rollins' work you will begin to notice something; he's never ironic. He is the anti-hipster. He is aboslutely, completely sincere. Watch this interview and you'll see what I mean:

Nardwar is a character. Rollins clearly thinks that playing such a character is at the least a waste of time, but he contains himself. To each his own.

Compare this to an earlier interview with Nardwar:

What we see here is a man who has learned to step outside of himself and evaluate his own thoughts. Does this make him a Stoic? No, I don't think so, but he certainly has found some Stoic techniques. He feels intensely; he values emotion. He sees anger as a tramsformational force. If we all get angry enough we'll change the world. Maybe he's right. It's not the Stoic way, but I like it. I prefer my way, but it's interesting.

Here is an encounter between Rollins and some New York hipsters which illustrates his sincerity:

Is his response Stoic? I'd say it is in the sense that he doesn't fear his antagonists and in that he stands up for what he believes. There is an aggressiveness there, though, that probably isn't Stoic. On the other hand Zeno is recorded as having launched some verbal barbs at the young and beautiful of his day. Here's a famous one from Diogenes:

"A young man was talking a great deal of nonsense, and he said to him, 'This is the reason why we have two ears and only one mouth, that we may hear more and speak less."

So I would argue that Rollins is not a natural Stoic, but that he embodies certain Stoic ideals, and that emulating him might be useful to a Stoic. As Seneca says of Epicurus, the founder of a rival philosophy: "Epicurus is worth listening to, and his wise sayings should be regarded not as Epicurus' alone but as common and public property."

* * *

*If you write for an audience you are going to get feedback, and sometimes that will lead you to change your mind. Sometimes it won't. Admitting the fact when it does is strength. Apologizing simply because people complain is not. Rollins shows strength in his apology.

Best Of Enemies

Best Of Enemies, available on Netflix, is a fascinating look at the debates between Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley Jr. during the 1968 Republican Convention.

I'll leave you to it. Let me just say that for me the most interesting bit is the end. Buckley, the patrician libertarian, regrets something unnamed and says that he is tired of life. The film implies that what he regrets is losing his temper on national television and calling Vidal a "queer" after Vidal called him a "crypto-fascist." Mr. Buckley died in 2008.

Before Vidal, the patrician progressive, died in 2012 he told the ghost of William F. Buckley to "RIP... in Hell." An associate of Vidal's tells us that he loved the fact that he got the last word.

I really like Vidal's work, and in terms of both cognitive ability and talent for writing he eclipses me (as does Buckley, by a wide margin). His Julian is fantastic. Still, if I have my choice I'd rather go out like Buckley. I'd rather know that I should have done better than glory in the fact that I died last.

Either way both men were brilliant and both were principled. I admire Buckley's belief in personal responsibility and I admire Vidal's willingness question received wisdom.

The moral of the film, though, is that our toxic modern politics originates with these two.

Maybe...

Shame-based Ethical Enforcement

In this brave new world we seem to be working out a new system of morality, and that system seems to be shame-based. Stoicism might be a good response to that. A personal example:

I recently stuck to an opinion in the face of adversity.

I respect the other side very much; they're some of my best friends, but we had a genuine disagreement. It was a very minor thing that blew up into a very big thing.  I'm responsible for a good part of that... I wasn't very Stoic. My words were measured but my tone wasn't. I didn't resort to ad hominem and I didn't say anything offensive, but when they got loud so did I. Or maybe I got loud first? I can't remember.

They asserted that no reasonable person could possibly disagree with them. They ascribed personal motives to my position. They questioned my character.

I did not apologize and I didn't act shamed and it seems to have immediately died down into nothing.

"SHAME ON YOU!"

"No thanks."

"Oh, OK then... could you pass the coffee?"

It was bizarre.

This happened once before. There was shame, I didn't act shamed, then there was reasoned discussion and I changed my mind. They seemed surprised, because I didn't hold a grudge. I treated them exactly as I had before.

Well, a Stoic looks at criticism and assents or not. That time I assented. This time I did not.

Be the purple thread.

The Good Men Project

Some of the bloggers I've read view The Good Men Project as a genuine exploration of what it means to be masculine in the 21st century (that's certainly how TGMP sees itself). Others consider it to be a propaganda arm of the feminist movement, a sort of Pravda to be consumed by the non-ovarian set.

I've never actually read it... until now!

What follows are my impressions, recorded as I read. It's this sort of investigative journalism that has earned me more than 2 cents in ad revenue, folks.

1. First off, in the "About" section the publishers tell us that:

"Guys today are neither the mindless, sex-obsessed buffoons nor the stoic automatons our culture so often makes them out to be. Our community is smart, compassionate, curious, and open-minded; they strive to be good fathers and husbands, citizens and friends, to lead by example at home and in the workplace, and to understand their role in a changing world. The Good Men Project is a place where that happens. We’re glad to have you along for the ride."

Here "stoic" is used with the lower case "s," which seems to mean "without emotion." We Stoics would say that acceptable emotions include joy, wishing and caution, emotions which contribute to the admirable state of mind which follows "Our community" in the above paragraph. In fact the ideal discussed in this paragraph would seem to describe, at least in part, the ideal Stoic sage.

2. Moving on to the front page, the following headlines catch my eye:

"How To Harness And Heal The Pain Of A Breakup"
"Task 50 of 52: Good Men Mind Their P's And Q's"
"The Limitless Joy Of Never Fully Knowing Your Significant Other"
"Why Passion Is Overrated"
"They Don't Have To Be Your Out-laws"
"Men Need Healthy Role Models-Make Your Voice Heard"
"See Yourself As She Sees You-Real Is Sexy"
"Co-Parenting: It Doesn't Have To Be Difficult"
"Why Women Are Smarter Than Men"
"In Appreciation: An Open Letter To All The Good Men In The World"

These really are the headlines that jumped out at me, though you don't know that for certain. As far as you know I cherry picked them. So with that in mind, TGMP is marketed to this guy (let's call him Ted):

Ted has known some pain in his life. He's divorced and has had a hard time getting over his ex. He has a new relationship, though, and he's eager to maintain some mystery with her/him. He needs to! He's a little confused about how to be "sexy" for her/him, if we're being honest. 

Ted has anxiety. He doesn't get along with his in-laws but he wants to. The ex has proven difficult to co-parent his 2.3 children with, but he's willing to work with her/him. 

Ted is not content. He's searching for something, for a way forward in the 21st century. He wants men to look up to, men who can show him the way. He wants to be a good man, and good men are a rare commodity these days. What defines "good," though? He's here to learn the answer to that question.

I KNOW Ted. I know lots of Teds. I don't think that I am Ted, but maybe I used to be.

For your reading pleasure I'll delve more deeply into the headlines and deliver to you my "take-away." Any reactions I have will be listed in blue. Keep in mind that these are only one man's impressions. I've been wrong before.

3. "How To Harness And Heal The Pain Of A Breakup"

Use stress hormones to motivate you to exercise, take up new hobbies and launch new creative endeavors. Then be honest with yourself as to why you broke up. Love yourself, feel your emotions fully, forgive the other party and be grateful that the relationship happened at all.

As a Stoic I'd probably tell myself that relationships often end. I'd do a review of my own actions, change what needs to be changed, deny assent to the idea that anything tragic has happened and move on.


4. "Task 50 of 52: Good Men Mind Their P's And Q's"

Standard traditional American manners... your great grandfather would agree with this.

Follow these rules or don't. There's some good stuff here. One thing stands out, though: "don't ogle the women." If by "ogle" the author means barking like a dog in a Looney Toons cartoon, fair enough. If he means "don't notice that women are physically attractive" then I wonder how guys would get girlfriends at all. I hope he doesn't mean that we should be ashamed of our sexuality...



5. "The Limitless Joy Of Never Fully Knowing Your Significant Other"

The author finds familiarity stultifying. When a relationship becomes routine it ends. To prevent this we must enter an ego-less state which in my view strongly resembles Zen Buddhism. As a dispassionate observer we will realize the limitless otherness in our partner and never be bored again.

Stoics find joy in virtue, not in an endless feeling of mystery centered around one person. According to the author he's felt endless mystery for his partner for three and a half years, though, so what do I know? Good luck, pal.


6. "Why Passion Is Overrated"

The author begins with a poker analogy and defines "passion" as shoving all your chips in and hoping for the best. He's a fair poker player, and it was curiosity rather than passion which led him to that pursuit and which helps him to beat "passionate" players. In his regular life he bet his future on naval aviation and a wife and neither worked out, leaving him miserable. He then worked for a phone company an enjoyed it but got laid off. He started a business but it failed. Finally curiosity about a distant couple dancing in a gazebo drew him to the tango. He started a non-profit to promote tango and achieved happiness. Passion flames out but curiosity lasts.

This sounds pretty Stoic in that he avoids passions, but not very Stoic in that his happiness depends on his external circumstances. I admire how this guy keeps bouncing back. And he's found a way to make a living off of the tango. That's impressive. The tango!


7. "They Don't Have To Be Your Out-laws"

Play your cards close to your chest. Don't play family politics and don't say things that people will disagree with. You can pull it together for a couple of days per year, can't you?

Solid advice. In my experience there is no hill I'm willing to die on at a family reunion. I like to find one or two very interesting, open people, people who don't mind a polite disagreement should one arise but who aren't looking for one, and spend most of my time with them.


8. "Men Need Healthy Role Models-Make Your Voice Heard"

Please submit pieces to us about how you overcame health problems.

If I ever overcome one I'll do that! I'm serious; this thing isn't half bad.


9. "See Yourself As She Sees You-Real Is Sexy"

This one vanished as I read other articles... or it didn't and I just have attention problems. I can't find it, though. So let's do "Don't Let Gender Expectations Ruin Your Marriage."

John Gray, of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" fame, exaggerates gender differences and it has made him very popular, but he's wrong. Society pushes men into traditonal, harmful masculinity. Women participating in casual male-bashing doesn't help. Society should let men be vulnerable. It is frustrating that many women seem to want the old, masculine man and not the vulnerable new man. Women are still judged by the old feminine standard even though they have been encouraged to abandon it. All of this produces power struggles. The key to resolve these is a mix of patience, negotiation, and assuming the best of the other party.

There's a lot more to this article... a lot to digest. My immediate reaction is that, according to the author, women find bad boys sexy but they shouldn't. Attraction can be negotiated. I'm skeptical.



10. "Co-Parenting: It Doesn't Have To Be Difficult!"

Communicate, negotiate, and keep the kid's best interests in mind. If that fails get a mediator.

My aunt does this. She's brilliant at it; best step-mom in the world. Solid advice.


11. "Why Women Are Smarter Than Men"

Women score higher in emotional intelligence (EQ) than men, and EQ is critical in suceeding in the work place. To raise your EQ don't drink caffiene and do get more sleep. Don't be too hard on yourself and be grateful for what you have.

On the other hand caffeine is a cognitive booster, so if you want to be slightly more abrasive but have slightly better ideas visit Starbucks. Are women better at relationships? I'll have to look around and see if I can find evidence of that in my daily life. Maybe they are!


12. "In Appreciation: An Open Letter To All The Good Men In The World"

The author is grateful to the men who taught her lessons and brought her to her current high level of relationship happiness. A good man, in her view, is one who:

Will take care of his partner. Will smile, hug, give a back rub, share in the house work. Will call in the middle of the day just to say Hi. Will empower his partner to be all that he/she can be. Will be there for his children, and nurture them to help them be all that they can be. Will be proud if his partner makes more money than he does. He knows the job does not define the man. Will occasionally surprise his partner, in a good way. Will make plans for the future, both long and short term. Will listen, hear and understands with his heart. Will protect his partner, and family. Will serenade his partner. Will sit and let his partner cry it out, or stamp his/her feet until it is all out. Will have done some of his work, and will be there for his partner while they work through their own stuff. Will build things, fix things, invent things. Will have his own life, his own hobbies, his own sense of worth. Will not depend on his partner for his financial life or his emotional life, now [sic] will he want his partner to be his reason for living.

Source

Here's where I fall short, according to the author: making plans for the future, listening, serenading, and sitting and letting her cry it out. She lists twenty-six standards, and I meet twenty-two of them. Not bad! I wonder of my partner would give me 22/26? Perhaps I've just deluded myself.

I'd like to see a list of characteristics of the ideal woman from this author. She must be pretty spectacular to land this sort of guy. 


So there you have it! I agreed with some things and disagreed with others. As Seneca says, all good ideas are public property, so I'll take the good and leave the bad.

All in all I was pleasantly surprised. This is an interesting site. I'll be back.